Here’s another double pack of ladder match goodness! Twice the ladders with the same amount of sub-par writing and wit.
Midwest All-Star Wrestling: Lift Bridge Bash, 18/01/2020
‘Golden Ticket’ Ladder Match: Garrison Creed vs. Sterling Bond
I’m watching this via the promotion’s FaceBook live stream. Well, it’s not live now but you get the picture. But still, it’s coming LIVE from the Lift Bridge Brewery in Stillwater (my second-favourite fictional band and the setting of GTA4-beater, Saints Row 2 )! It looks like a kick ass place to watch some graps; craft beer AND indie wrestling?!? Good shit.
Sterling Bond arrives to I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING by MAD SEASON, giving me some lovely Justice Pain vibes. “I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING by MAD SEASON” is also a ZandigFans forum in-joke used to poke fun at silly questions as new posters would always ask what Justice Pain’s theme song was.
Both Sterling and Creed look like wrestlers despite Bond keeping his shirt on. This is an upper-body business, Bond! The match is for the proverbial ‘Golden Tikcet’, which I assume is their version of a MITB contract. Very cute. It’s just that due to the camera angle I can’t actually see it. It’s a two camera set-up, both are fixed in place with little movement which may become an issue but the production is clear and crisp. The audio levels are also acceptable and the crowd sounds lively. We are off to a good start!
I see the Golden Ticket hanging off a clipboard when the camera pans out for Bond to run up the ladder. The back and forth action is good, and Creed eventually (and safely) suplexes Bond onto the ladder.
Creed climbs for the belt, and Bond opts crawl to the apron and climbs one of the turnbuckles instead of taking Creed down immediately. A bit shit but still it results in a pretty bad ass looking cutter off the ladder which off-sets the shitness. You can be as illogical as you want (within reason) as long as the end result looks bad ass.
Creed quickly meets Bond up to of the ladder and they get into a headbutt war that Bond wins. This must be a common ladder trope now as he sells the headbutts whilst centimetres away from the contract. Then he recovers, grabs the clipboard and cant get the ticket off. This ticket is obviously made of Gorilla Glue. Creed stops Bond, ties him in a figure four around the ladder, and grabs the ticket-clipboard combo with a little trouble still. And that’s that.
Nothing bad, nothing memorable. Short but not a sprint. Solid but not spectacular, and the headbutt shit is grating me now. Both guys are obviously good but there wasn’t a lot to make a solid recommendation **1/4
VIP Wrestling: Killin’ Da Business, 31/01/2020
VIP Heavyweight Title Ladder Match Barrett Brown (c) vs. Homicide
Maybe we’ll finally see that Cop Killa off the ladder that I’ve been waiting for all t hes years.
Taped from Dallas! According to the logo this is VIP X. Thus it is edgy. This is XTREME. It’s even got a razor blade for it’s logo. It probably has ‘Headstrong’ by Trapt playing on repeat in the car. Maybe some Adema thrown in there as well to lash out at their parents.
The commentary team is over powering the audience volume and one of them is particularly loud and annoying. His name is Nigel and I want him to stop. Both commentators are bad but Nigel and his fake English accent is going to end me. Grand.
Homicide and Barrett battle on the outside as the two commentators chat obnoxiously about what ladders are made of and making political jokes. “Fake news” is dropped several times. You’re sure making a case for yourselves with this one, Dallas.
At least Barrett and Homicide seem capable of putting on something entertaining. Barrett is the first to climb and Homicide brings him down with a snapare.
“That was a snapmare off the third or second rung, so it’s more like a snapping powerbomb”. FUCK OFF, NIGEL. He’s now alternating between an American accent and British accent. This is dog shit.
The action itself is uninspiring but not bad. Barrett fits in the ladder slingshot and it looks bad, as predicted. It rarely looks good. You’ve really got to go all-out in the momentum and effort to make it look decent.
Homicide quickly fights back with a an underhook suplex but is then backdroped on a ladder which looked like it sucked. However Homicide, indie legend that he is, rapidly turns the tide with his vintage overhead belly-to-belly suplex before backdropping Barrett onto the ladder. Going tit for tat here, fair play. The selling is way off though.
Homicide climbs, Barrett stops him and Barrett feels a ladder to the face for his troubles. Homicide lets Barrett know that he done goofed, and lets him know that the consequences will never be the same, by trying to suplex Barrett onto a ladder balanced on the middle rope. They battle to the top rope and Barrett suplexes Homicide off the top whilst standing on the middle rope ladder, which gets a big reaction. Those spots always puzzle me. It’s no higher than a regular superplex…
We get the Boo!/Yay! punches, Homicide tries a Cop Killah (not the Gringo Killah like commentary said. C’mon guys, where’s your indy cred!) Homi hits a cutter but Barrett strong style no-sells to hit a clothesline for the double-down. The cutter got a reaction, the clothesline never. The no-sell double-down is such an overused spot at this point.
Homicide stops Barrett’s climb with a sit-out powerbomb but soon finds himself on the receiving end of a topé. Homi now is dead on the aisle so Barrett decides to play around with ladders instead of climbing. He’s swapped the regular sized ladder for the big sized ladder. He still goes outside to fetch Homi so he gets battered for his stupidity with a piledriver on the outside.
“Now he’ll have to get the bus with the slow children”. FUCK OFF, NIGEL. He said that one in his British accent too. I bet he doesn’t know how to pronounce TWAT properly, the fucking twat.
A death move like that isn’t enough, and Homi stacks chairs on Barrett but it’s all for nought as Barrett has climbed out of the comfy cushion coffin before Homicide can even climb. The drama in all that didn’t work as well ass they thought it would. In fact the last five minutes has been quite perplexing.
Barrett slaps Homicide with a backfist, the ref goes down somehow, and Homicide grabs the belt. The bell rings! New champ! The ref is down but who cares as it probably got reversed down the line but I have no inclination to find out.
Fucking commentary was the shits. Absolutely dire. Try-hard shite that pissed all over whatever Barrett and Homicide were trying accomplish, which wasn’t much honestly. The first half was okay to decent, but it all fell down with Barrett fucking around with ladders and pointless segments with piledrivers and getting buried under chairs. It felt like they had more planned but got told mid-way through to hurry up so they just dropped a ton of planned stuff and rushed through to the finishing sequence. Serviceable, probably. **